February 2nd, 2016, 11:00pm
We will sometimes do things that require setting aside our pride and picking up the humility of Christ. We will sometimes do things that require us to offer the other cheek. It is for in Christ we have the strength to do all things, Bringing glory to his name. Remember that. God knows what is best Jordan and he knows how to handle his children. Allow him to grow you in these challenges. Pull close to him and allow him to form in you a new heart. Because at the end of the day, that is what your son will see and that is who he will remember.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Sunday, January 31, 2016
The Boy I Thought I Would Marry: Part 4 of 4
2015-12-19
Your eyes were the most beautiful eyes I ever looked into. And your hands as rough and disfigured as they were, were the most comfortable hands I've ever held. And your lips, your ears, your nose, together made the most genuine face I've ever felt look back at me. The sculpture you called a body was the most warm and comfortable bed I ever laid upon.
This is what it looks like to romanticize a person.
2015-12-19
Even now when I see your picture or your face in a memory I still light up the way I did when I called our forever. With all the time and hurt and distance and change, the look doesn't. I still see you. I wonder if you still see it too.
2015-12-29
I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying. But I feel empty and broken and numb. Not the numb that you feel absolutely nothing but the kind you feel like everything good has been iced over and all that's left is bleak. I hurt. I lost my words. If I pause all I see is you and I can't find words to get you out or a way to let go. You were everything to me. Everything.
2015-12-29
There are a lot of good people Jordan. There is a whole world outside of what you know.
These thoughts aren't my own no matter how hard I try.
2016-01-31
It comes in waves really. And if I think too hard about it I feel pretty pathetic having feelings for someone who has completely moved on. But it's waves. And gradually you will fade away until you are just a fleeting thought when someone says your name. I wanted to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life. I thought I would. I also thought I would have graduated from university and move to Oregon and who knows what other plans I had. They didn't happen. You and I didn't happen. It was a nice thought though and I hope you enjoyed entertaining it as well.
Your eyes were the most beautiful eyes I ever looked into. And your hands as rough and disfigured as they were, were the most comfortable hands I've ever held. And your lips, your ears, your nose, together made the most genuine face I've ever felt look back at me. The sculpture you called a body was the most warm and comfortable bed I ever laid upon.
This is what it looks like to romanticize a person.
2015-12-19
Even now when I see your picture or your face in a memory I still light up the way I did when I called our forever. With all the time and hurt and distance and change, the look doesn't. I still see you. I wonder if you still see it too.
2015-12-29
I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying. But I feel empty and broken and numb. Not the numb that you feel absolutely nothing but the kind you feel like everything good has been iced over and all that's left is bleak. I hurt. I lost my words. If I pause all I see is you and I can't find words to get you out or a way to let go. You were everything to me. Everything.
2015-12-29
There are a lot of good people Jordan. There is a whole world outside of what you know.
These thoughts aren't my own no matter how hard I try.
2016-01-31
It comes in waves really. And if I think too hard about it I feel pretty pathetic having feelings for someone who has completely moved on. But it's waves. And gradually you will fade away until you are just a fleeting thought when someone says your name. I wanted to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life. I thought I would. I also thought I would have graduated from university and move to Oregon and who knows what other plans I had. They didn't happen. You and I didn't happen. It was a nice thought though and I hope you enjoyed entertaining it as well.
The Boy I Thought I Would Marry: Part 3 of 4
2015-06-27
It's a suffocating feeling knowing you are gone.
2015-08-02
There are some people you would trade the whole world for but you can't; and you just have to be satisfied knowing they feel the same way.
2015-08-22
It's not so much the rush or the thrill, it's the sense of coming home and exhaling everything that's going on around you.
Your kiss.
2015-08-30
They may not have been the first but they sure felt like they should have been. A love so real and raw, time can't replace it.
2015-09-04
Trying not to love you is like trying not to breathe...I was never good at holding my breath.
2015-09-20
I never want to get a call saying you're dead though part of me thinks you already are.
2015-09-30
I was the fool who always gave you everything even when you gave nothing back.
2015-10-16
I will not apologize for loving you. I will not regret investing in you. I am not a fool. I am raw. I am real. I will not apologize for being honest with myself.
2016-01-29
Someone asked me whatever happened to you today. It was strange being the person who use to know these things. But did I really ever? You came and you went and I was never really sure which way it would be. You have a completely different life now. I hope it's one that makes you happy.
It's a suffocating feeling knowing you are gone.
2015-08-02
There are some people you would trade the whole world for but you can't; and you just have to be satisfied knowing they feel the same way.
2015-08-22
It's not so much the rush or the thrill, it's the sense of coming home and exhaling everything that's going on around you.
Your kiss.
2015-08-30
They may not have been the first but they sure felt like they should have been. A love so real and raw, time can't replace it.
2015-09-04
Trying not to love you is like trying not to breathe...I was never good at holding my breath.
2015-09-20
I never want to get a call saying you're dead though part of me thinks you already are.
2015-09-30
I was the fool who always gave you everything even when you gave nothing back.
2015-10-16
I will not apologize for loving you. I will not regret investing in you. I am not a fool. I am raw. I am real. I will not apologize for being honest with myself.
2016-01-29
Someone asked me whatever happened to you today. It was strange being the person who use to know these things. But did I really ever? You came and you went and I was never really sure which way it would be. You have a completely different life now. I hope it's one that makes you happy.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Things worth celebrating
I have joy. It's kind of weird to say that. In my world it isn't a word I use often or carelessly. It is a pretty sacred emotion. It is not just happiness or feeling good. It comes from deep in your soul and I believe true joy comes only through our Heavenly Father. Being someone who struggles with depression and anxiety it is easy to sometimes think those manic highs are joy and when you come back down from them, you're left feeling even worse because of this false assumption. I am currently at a very challenging point in my life. It's almost like one of those long bends in the road that slowly but surely is changing your course of direction whether you like it or not. You didn't choose to take the turn at a cross in the road, the road itself turned. I know I need help in many ways and I know the road ahead of this bend is going to be long and hard but today I feel joy. Deep in my soul joy that is leaving me very satisfied. There is chaos all around me but I feel joy. That alone is worth celebrating.
“We're depending on God; he's everything we need. What's more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you've got — that's what we're depending on.” (Psalm 33:20-22 MSG)
Sunday, January 24, 2016
You're a Good Good Father
Two things to remember that you have learned today:
1. I am loved by You. It's who I am.
You lost your identity or maybe you never actually found it/claimed it as your own. Here it is. It is this simple. "I am loved" and it is who I am.
2. This is your church. You have committed to these people just as they have committed to you. Hold your end of the deal even when it feels like no one else is. Feel like there's nothing for you? Then make something for you. You are not alone unless you allow yourself to be.
God I get the feeling of new beginnings when I read these two things. Very simple things that you put on my heart today. Things I have ignored for a long time. Let me be open and willing to hear what else you have to say and to follow where you will take me through them.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
The Boy I Thought I Would Marry: Part 2 of 4
2015-03-09
Someday is our favorite word. But I wonder if we say someday to pretend as if it will really happen.
2015-03-09
Brownie in a mug:
2 Tb of butter (melt a bit)
2 Tb water
Pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla
2 Tb cocoa
4 Tb sugar (mix then add...)
4 Tb flour (mix then add...)
Handful of chocolate chips
Heat for 1min (plus 10sec)
2015-03-10
I want to say we have all this time ahead of us but I don't know.
2016-01-17
There were so many plans. We actually made a list one afternoon and I thought you were all in too. You wanted to cook me supper and take me on a fancy date. We were even going to go dress shopping beforehand so that I would have a pretty dress to wear. Little things like watching certain shows to that tree house place in the States. But you changed your mind and it became this pattern where I would beg you to do something and you wouldn't. Someday you would say. Someday I will tell you. Someday we will go. Someday. You've gone on to do lots with someone else. I lost the list, and in all honesty, I hope I never find it.
Someday is our favorite word. But I wonder if we say someday to pretend as if it will really happen.
2015-03-09
Brownie in a mug:
2 Tb of butter (melt a bit)
2 Tb water
Pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla
2 Tb cocoa
4 Tb sugar (mix then add...)
4 Tb flour (mix then add...)
Handful of chocolate chips
Heat for 1min (plus 10sec)
2015-03-10
I want to say we have all this time ahead of us but I don't know.
2016-01-17
There were so many plans. We actually made a list one afternoon and I thought you were all in too. You wanted to cook me supper and take me on a fancy date. We were even going to go dress shopping beforehand so that I would have a pretty dress to wear. Little things like watching certain shows to that tree house place in the States. But you changed your mind and it became this pattern where I would beg you to do something and you wouldn't. Someday you would say. Someday I will tell you. Someday we will go. Someday. You've gone on to do lots with someone else. I lost the list, and in all honesty, I hope I never find it.
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