Note to Self

February 2nd, 2016, 11:00pm

We will sometimes do things that require setting aside our pride and picking up the humility of Christ. We will sometimes do things that require us to offer the other cheek. It is for in Christ we have the strength to do all things, Bringing glory to his name. Remember that. God knows what is best Jordan and he knows how to handle his children. Allow him to grow you in these challenges. Pull close to him and allow him to form in you a new heart. Because at the end of the day, that is what your son will see and that is who he will remember.

The Boy I Thought I Would Marry: Part 4 of 4

2015-12-19

Your eyes were the most beautiful eyes I ever looked into. And your hands as rough and disfigured as they were, were the most comfortable hands I've ever held. And your lips, your ears, your nose, together made the most genuine face I've ever felt look back at me. The sculpture you called a body was the most warm and comfortable bed I ever laid upon.

This is what it looks like to romanticize a person.

2015-12-19

Even now when I see your picture or your face in a memory I still light up the way I did when I called our forever. With all the time and hurt and distance and change, the look doesn't. I still see you. I wonder if you still see it too.

2015-12-29

I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying. But I feel empty and broken and numb. Not the numb that you feel absolutely nothing but the kind you feel like everything good has been iced over and all that's left is bleak. I hurt. I lost my words. If I pause all I see is you and I can't find words to get you out or a way to let go. You were everything to me. Everything.

2015-12-29

There are a lot of good people Jordan. There is a whole world outside of what you know.

These thoughts aren't my own no matter how hard I try.

2016-01-31

It comes in waves really. And if I think too hard about it I feel pretty pathetic having feelings for someone who has completely moved on. But it's waves. And gradually you will fade away until you are just a fleeting thought when someone says your name. I wanted to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life. I thought I would. I also thought I would have graduated from university and move to Oregon and who knows what other plans I had. They didn't happen. You and I didn't happen. It was a nice thought though and I hope you enjoyed entertaining it as well. 

The Boy I Thought I Would Marry: Part 3 of 4

2015-06-27

It's a suffocating feeling knowing you are gone.

2015-08-02

There are some people you would trade the whole world for but you can't; and you just have to be satisfied knowing they feel the same way.

2015-08-22

It's not so much the rush or the thrill, it's the sense of coming home and exhaling everything that's going on around you.

Your kiss.

2015-08-30

They may not have been the first but they sure felt like they should have been. A love so real and raw, time can't replace it.

2015-09-04

Trying not to love you is like trying not to breathe...I was never good at holding my breath.

2015-09-20

I never want to get a call saying you're dead though part of me thinks you already are.

2015-09-30

I was the fool who always gave you everything even when you gave nothing back.

2015-10-16

I will not apologize for loving you. I will not regret investing in you. I am not a fool. I am raw. I am real. I will not apologize for being honest with myself.


2016-01-29

Someone asked me whatever happened to you today. It was strange being the person who use to know these things. But did I really ever? You came and you went and I was never really sure which way it would be. You have a completely different life now. I hope it's one that makes you happy.

Things worth celebrating

I have joy. It's kind of weird to say that. In my world it isn't a word I use often or carelessly. It is a pretty sacred emotion. It is not just happiness or feeling good. It comes from deep in your soul and I believe true joy comes only through our Heavenly Father. Being someone who struggles with depression and anxiety it is easy to sometimes think those manic highs are joy and when you come back down from them, you're left feeling even worse because of this false assumption. I am currently at a very challenging point in my life. It's almost like one of those long bends in the road that slowly but surely is changing your course of direction whether you like it or not. You didn't choose to take the turn at a cross in the road, the road itself turned. I know I need help in many ways and I know the road ahead of this bend is going to be long and hard but today I feel joy. Deep in my soul joy that is leaving me very satisfied. There is chaos all around me but I feel joy. That alone is worth celebrating.

“We're depending on God; he's everything we need. What's more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you've got — that's what we're depending on.” (Psalm 33:20-22 MSG)

You're a Good Good Father

Two things to remember that you have learned today:

1. I am loved by You. It's who I am.

You lost your identity or maybe you never actually found it/claimed it as your own. Here it is. It is this simple. "I am loved" and it is who I am.

2. This is your church. You have committed to these people just as they have committed to you. Hold your end of the deal even when it feels like no one else is. Feel like there's nothing for you? Then make something for you. You are not alone unless you allow yourself to be. 

God I get the feeling of new beginnings when I read these two things. Very simple things that you put on my heart today. Things I have ignored for a long time. Let me be open and willing to hear what else you have to say and to follow where you will take me through them.

April 12, 2015, 7:45 PM

We all get busy doing life and forget who we're doing life for

The Boy I Thought I Would Marry: Part 2 of 4

2015-03-09

Someday is our favorite word. But I wonder if we say someday to pretend as if it will really happen.

2015-03-09

Brownie in a mug:

2 Tb of butter (melt a bit)
2 Tb water
Pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla
2 Tb cocoa
4 Tb sugar (mix then add...)
4 Tb flour (mix then add...)
Handful of chocolate chips
Heat for 1min (plus 10sec)

2015-03-10

I want to say we have all this time ahead of us but I don't know.

2016-01-17

There were so many plans. We actually made a list one afternoon and I thought you were all in too. You wanted to cook me supper and take me on a fancy date. We were even going to go dress shopping beforehand so that I would have a pretty dress to wear. Little things like watching certain shows to that tree house place in the States. But you changed your mind and it became this pattern where I would beg you to do something and you wouldn't. Someday you would say. Someday I will tell you. Someday we will go. Someday. You've gone on to do lots with someone else. I lost the list, and in all honesty, I hope I never find it.

The Boy I Thought I Would Marry: Part 1 of 4

2015-01-30

Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing. I was doing good pretending and I was fairly happy and I could have kept it up for another year I'm sure. But now you're rocked the boat and you're bringing me around for the complete 360. And I all know for sure is I can't, I need out, I need gone.

2015-12-30

I just noticed it's been 11 months since you first messaged me again. I remember clear as day sitting on her bed playing around on our phones when I got a message. You hadn't even crossed my mind as a possibility. We chatted casually for a few hours and then you randomly stopped. Disappeared until the next day. Looking back that seems to have been the theme of this random encounter we carried out for the next 8 months. You disappearing. 

Changes.

I didn't post because I felt that I couldn't if I wasn't walking in the way of the Lord. I am well aware of how lost I've let myself become. But you know what -these are my emotions and my thoughts. This is my blog. There is nothing more real to blog about than what is real. So I will lay it all out and if you feel you can relate or can offer something, great. I'll take it.

So on that note I have decided to unload the short notes I have been writing for the past year and hiding. They are beautiful to me and they are raw. There are many situations that will contribute but there will also be a series focused on one relationship and how it has evolved. I pray that as I finally open these up that I will find peace in the results I have been left with.

This Sweetly Broken Life

All is Well

Today I prayed halfheartedly for peace and that I would remember my training before I handled my first phone call at my new job. I had myself so wound up I felt like I would puke. My partner actually pressed the line in button before I was ready. It was an older man and if I am honest I can't even remember what he was calling about or if I even solved his problem but as I closed the call, asking if there was anything else I could help him with he asked. He asked me what I would say at heaven's gates. Why should I be allowed to enter. I politely told him I appreciated him asking but I wasn't authorized to discuss such things. He responded that he understood so he would just share with me what he would say. He then proceeded to share the gospel with me. My partner who was listening in on the call thought it was weird but I knew as he shared with me how it was God's way of answering me. Reassuring me that he is in control. I know I am exactly where he wants me to be. I am confident that I am in his will. Life is far from easy right now but it is so refreshing to know for once that all is well because I have chosen to follow where God leads.  

I am redeemed

I remember the day I fell in love with God. I danced and sang and cried with joy as my heart swelled greater than I thought possible. I was in love with my Maker. It was a process and it took 6 months being nurtured, discipled, and loved by many amazing people at one of the world's most beautiful university's to get to that point. I had held on to so much hurt and it took His gentle prodding to slowly release my bloody fingers from every last piece and shard of my soul and into his. I physically watched my life as a broken pitcher slowly be put back together with all the holes & cracks becoming beautiful things. Ways for God to seep out into the world through someone who never knew it could really happen. I remember the promises, the hope and the dreams. And I remember slipping once and letting it all fall away. I look inside of me and all I see--all I feel, is blackness. Dark, and empty where that joy use to be. I feel a wall that the little piece of me crying out can't climb over or break through. And I feel the hopeless dread of life's despairs and struggles weighing on my shoulders, tugging at my heart. For me there was never black & white. It was always grey which meant when I fall, I fall hard. But in the midst of it all. I can still hear the words of Clayton King, of Maggie M, of Hannah C. I can remember feeling alive and loved and whole for the first time. I can remember my desires and passions and how God used all that to keep me from letting go for good. I guess it's time to acknowledge that I let go, or I thought I had. I am doubting Thomas believing only what I see, I am Judas betraying with a kiss, I am Israel, turning my back on God only to realize that He is my one freedom. 

I am Israel, I am Israel. And you will bring me back from captivity.

Someone Like You

I had the best Valentine's Day with you. It wasn't even a date. I went to class, came back took a nap, picked up the flowers my mom sent before I spent the rest of the evening curling my hair. I borrowed K's car and picked you up and we went down the hill to Sonic. You got food and I so typically got a hot fudge milkshake. We sat and talked for a couple hours before you had to go back. I had such a good time. I can't even remember now what all we talked about but I know we covered pretty much anything and everything. You opened up and finally told me about you. You cracked my thumbs for me (like only you can) and I remember leaving my hand in yours and looking up at you. I was never physically attracted to you before that moment. But I looked at your lips and thought about kissing them. Months later you admitted to wanting to but thankfully you didn't. It would have ruined it. I know you're not perfect but there was something. You would laugh at how easily distracted I could be, get annoyed at how I could never walk in a straight line, and tell me how cute I was every time my nose would get red in the cold. I was taller than you in heels but it didn't bother me. You could play piano amazingly and I wasn't even jealous (which is huge). I met so many people just by sitting down for supper with you. People gravitated to you. I pushed your buttons and you drove me bonkers with your sometimes over confident attitude. You're there and in love, and I am here and a mom. I'm okay with that and I never thought I would want to be anything more than friends with you but I guess you showed me how it is like to be treated by a truly Godly man and I can't seem to shake that.

I have dated two people. One person was a best friend & a first, the other was a soulmate & a partner. But you were something absolutely and completely different. Thank you for not pursuing me. Thank you for respecting me. Thank you for being my friend.

A definition to remember

Yesterday I visited with L. We were discussing changes and expressing our condolences to things no longer. We were talking about aggression and she said that most often it is rooted in anger. We agreed that it is good to stick up for yourself and to be sure-footed but questioned whether being forceful and over-assertive was really needed to achieve the results desired. It was as we sat, talked and shared about the journey that has brought us each to motherhood that I received a truly genuine and honoring compliment that I want to remember. I had told her that many of my friends at school would turn to me for support; a push to stick up for themselves and not be walked all over. That they would tell me I could always tell it how it was when they needed to hear it. I pondered if it were possible to be aggressive only in certain contexts and L expressed that she believed what it really is, is that I am bold. 

" bold

bōld/
adjective1.
(of a person, action, or idea) showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous.    "

I think that is beautiful. I think that to live a bold life is a fulfilling, honest, genuine, and humble life. I want to strive to always be bold. Not just when it is easy, or natural but when no one is looking; when I'm fighting my demons, when I'd rather do the easy than do the right. 

Unsuspected Benefits of Old Messages

I have no idea what this is from, who wrote it, or where I found it but I do think that it is worth reading. I had sent it to him a few years back and stumbled upon it when looking through old messages. It's funny how you find things you think other people could benefit from and upon reflection it is actually what you need to be hearing yourself:

Don’t draw back because you feel like you can’t do it.You want to know how to pick up where you left off? Just get real with Him, and do it. Don’t run away in that self pity mode that reeks of that all-too-familiar “but it’s been so long and I just don’t know how to get back where I was, so I’m just gonna coast in my distance from Him because I can’t do this anyway”, attitude. What kind of fruit is that producing in your life? Shame…and running from God. AKA: A pretty good sign this is not an attitude or heart posture coming from the Holy Spirit. AKA: LIES.
God changes your heart as you put yourself before His face. You are changed as you pursue relationship & get to know the person of Christ. Not as you strive and stress and try to get righteous & perfect before you come to Him. Practical: Talk to Him. Talk to Him as you read about Him. Use your imagination as you pray. Seek the Holy Spirit inside you, don’t strive to like “get into that place”, or “worship enough to get His approval”. You've got it. You've got Him.
Here’s the deal: God loves you and accepts you because of the blood of Jesus. He enjoys you. He delights in His creation. He actually longs to set you free from whatever funk you've wallowed into or ended up in. If you have all kinds of messed up sin in your life, fess up, repent (get God’s perspective on it, and choose to walk in that & agree with that), and realize you are already accepted. You are already the beloved. Any true change that will come in your heart will come out of encounter with Him & His great love for you as you yield areas of your life within His grace as he highlights them.
He made this thing people friendly. It isn't impossible. Don’t compare yourself to other people. Focus on your relationship with the Ancient of Days, Father God, who loves you, made you for Himself, loves you infinitely. Connect with the love affair, and your sin issues will work out and your fears will be destroyed by His love.
He knows you can’t do it. He sees all of your heart & isn't shocked by it. He’s like “Come to me, come close, I will help you, I will fix you. Seek me with your whole heart.” This isn't a “see who can get the most brownie points with God” popularity contest. He isn't shallow. He wants intimate relationship.
Beloved, embark on the greatest love affair you will ever encounter. Just do it. Risk it all. He’s worth it.

1.12.9.5.

It’s an interesting concept. To love someone and to dislike them all at once. It seems like it contradicts itself or is unhealthy but is it really? There have been so many times in my life that I have disliked a parent or a sibling yet I maintained my love for them. So why is it so foreign and wrong to dislike someone who isn't family but love them all the same? 

I will always love you. It’s written in my heart. I don’t let go. I cannot. 

Your name is still the answer to my bank security question. 

As much as I disagree with you on many regards, and as much as I believe that it is best our toxic relationship has come to a close, I love you. Some things will never change. 

I hope one day you’ll realize that I never thought I was better, never didn't care or dislike the other important people in your life. I simply could not maintain the cycle we were in. 

Having a young child does that you know. You lose the energy to keep up old charades, playing games. 

That doesn't mean that for one second I wasn't ever angry or that I didn't think of explaining and refuting every point you brought up. How many times did I consider driving to your house and confronting you and not leaving until we fixed things. I have done it before but it came time to let go. 

So yes, I dislike you. But this doesn't mean I don’t love you all the same. 

You

I want something so beautiful. More beautiful than I could ever create. Because that’s how you created me. I am made in your image and your image is so beautiful. More beautiful than I could ever create or imagine. I long for it. For you. Because when all is right that is what I am and even though right now I am not, you still see me that way. So all in all I have something so beautiful.

cli·ché: klēˈSHā kli-,kli-,ˈklēˌSHā/ noun 1. a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.

You hear so many as you grow up and go through school. I can't even remember half of the ones I have heard but there are two that stand out to me tonight as I am in the thick the situation I call my life. 

"There is a thin line between love and hate" I could list the things that were done that hurt and angered me. It would be a very long list. Thinking about a lot of them would still trigger emotion; mainly anger. All the same it would be too easy to forget this huge list and return back to where I was before. Who I was with before. I don't really know how I feel about you anymore. I do know that the emotions I have felt for you are the closest to hate I have ever felt for someone but here I am loving you all over. Whatever this is I would like it to stop because it does not resolve. 

 "If you never let go of your past, you'll never see your future" When will I listen. When will I let go. I hold onto everything. I'm pretty sure that I still have my baby teeth saved somewhere. I check up on so many people who I don't maintain contact with because I want to know how their lives are going. I take my caring to the next level and can't let go of people who are not in my life for very good reasons. I check and recheck. I ask and look and even though I can pretend that it does no harm, I know it does not benefit either. Deep down I long for what He could offer and has planned but if I never let go I'll never see it. I'll never know what God has in store because I'm too busy in my own head thinking about things long gone.

I'm ready to learn new things. I'm ready to forget that these cliches are actually genuine because they are no longer relevant to me. How do I get there from here?

6/07/14

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for those who were in the lockdown zone to try to return to their normal lives today. Walking Alexander Wednesday evening and having a stranger run out of their house to tell you to get inside because a shooter is on the loose and spending the rest of the evening and next day hanging out inside cautious but not in danger is freaky enough, I can’t imagine being right in the middle of it. Even more, nothing I will ever deal with in regards to Alexander’s father will ever be as hard as losing your child’s father all together. My heart aches for them in a way I never knew before Alexander.

I shouldn’t have had to feel compelled to report a page for J Bourque on fb because people don’t have the discretion to understand how distasteful it is and how it plays right into what he was trying to achieve. And in regards to the “raw footage”..even though that video does not show the police officer being shot and has been shared by the media does not make it okay to share…that is someones loved on. Can you imagine seeing that and knowing that on the other side of that window those shots are killing your husband/brother/son/friend?

Stop sensationalizing this situation and in doing so, giving glory to the killer and start respecting and supporting those whose lives will forever be changed by the the loss of their loved ones.

This is my Resurrection Song, This is my Hallelujah Come