They've got it wrong. It isn't “just breathe” it’s “just worship.” You will breathe, even when you don’t notice. Breathing will inevitably get you through life but worshiping will get you through alive.

Dear baby boy,

I promise I will always love you & I will always share with you how much your God loves you.

"There are accidental and illegitimate parents, but no accidental or illegitimate children. Your parents may not have planned you but God did!

'All the days that you (God) PLANNED for my life were written in your Book BEFORE I was one day old!' Psalm 139:16

God conceived your life before your parents conceived you. He WANTED YOU BORN so he could love you. This is why abortion short-circuits God's plan. God has never conceived of anyone, including you, that he didn't pre-plan a purpose for their life."

-Rick Warren

(Also read this article)

I am so angry and so hurt and so sad. I want to scream and yell and tell you how much I hate you. The thing is I can't. I can't because it is my decision just as it is yours to be where we are at right now. And it is my duty as a follower of Christ to take the high road. And if that means for now I have to keep my distance than so be it. If that means that I can't hear about your life than that's that. I won't say a word. I'll let you live how you want to and I will stay right here living mine. It isn't easy. It really really really hurts. I read these words tonight: "But hold on to what you believe in the light When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight" All I have is you God. 

there is no fence! THERE IS NO FENCE

I wish you could understand how well I know things aren’t black and white. That things are far from perfect and that there is an infinite amount of beauty in the ugliest parts of everyone. I wish you could see how far down my soul goes and how I could never reach the bottom even if I tried. I wish you could see that I never stopped loving any one. No one. I wish you could see I hurt and I break and I bleed. I wish you could see how well I tasted destruction and death and how much I liked it. I wish you could see that the light, the joy, the real kind, won. I wish you could see that my life is real and I don’t just live with my head in the clouds. I see. I feel. I live. It may not be easy and I may have made a constant line of mistakes but I see. I wish you could know that I hate you for changing so much and accusing me of walking away. I wish you could see that when I give my opinion it’s not for popular demand or to make you smile. It’s the truth. I wish you could see I wouldn’t lie about your soul. Because I am missing it just as much as you.

I know you can steer my hurricane

Dear God,

Today I went through my day and I talked to you some. Over all I had a good day at work and a good evening. I wasn't as productive as I had planned. God right now as I crawl into bed and prepare myself for sleep I can't help but get so lost in how everything has changed so much. And I look back at where I've been to where I thought I was headed and I wonder if I ever had a chance. That sounds so awful and I'm not unhappy, I'm just human. A human trying to let go of the reigns and trust that you have a plan bigger than what I can see. Bigger than me. And that the dreams and desires I have, you gave me, and they will be fulfilled. I learned in a book why trusting You is so hard for me but even though they explained it, I still feel so frustrated and sorry that I always try to do things on my own. Lord, when my heart is heavy. When I'm not sure where I'm going or how I am ever going to do this life...hold me. With as much passion as I prayed for her to feel your peace Lord I pray that I have that same measure. I pray that my Grace baby will always be Your baby and that in You I will have the strength to be who I need to be. So God here I am, here are my reigns. You take them.

Amen.

Thoughts

These last two weeks I have been jotting down random thoughts on a Word document and they may not really make sense but they're me. And they may not always be politically correct or proper or whatever but if this blog is about my journey than these parts of me are important to share too, so here they are:

 

People always talk about going somewhere and starting new, somewhere where no one even knows their name. They talk about leaving and adventuring out alone and they always romanticize it. But truthfully I think people forget about the alone times. The times when the suns out and there’s no one around to share it with. The times when it’s dark at night and there’s no one around to hold you. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I haven’t quite figured out how to put myself out there and just meet people or to just be able to be by myself. I mean, I’m not the kind of girl to go out to the bar or to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. But really, I enjoy being alone, so I guess just as a human I miss the companionship. I miss knowing people are around that actually care to know my name. Whether for good or bad reasons. Someone recognizable not just from seeing them at the same place each day but because they take the time out of their life to be that recognizable person.

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And also, people forget it’s okay to cry. Though people never really see me cry, I cry at least every second day. And I’m glad I can. There are so many people who are trapped and they can’t even cry. I may not always be okay, and I certainly do not have things figured out and that is exactly why I’m glad I can cry.

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I worry about people who don’t even know I still care about them or ever even think of them. I worry because for whatever reason I am not there with them and I know that nothing I could have done, not even loving them endlessly has helped them.

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It’s scary how much something so irrelevant to your life can affect you so much. Like that one person who made your life miserable years ago, how upon seeing how great their life is you feel empty with that feeling of despair they thrust upon you time and time again as they snickered at you in disgust.

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I’m not sure what happened. All I know is that it has been a long time coming. People change. Such is life. But what exactly happened to make two people go from being inseparable to basically strangers?

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More than anything I want you to know how loved you are. More than anything. You are loved more than you could even fathom, more than I could ever express. My heart aches knowing of this love that you haven’t seen yet. I wonder how I will ever be able to adequately show it to you so that maybe you will catch a glimpse of it. You are loved. Everything you ever desired stems from this Love. From Love Himself. He created you to love you and to be loved in return by you. So sweet and complex and greater than your mind will ever understand but your heart and soul will sing so true if you would let it in. If only you knew it existed. If only you knew how real it truly is.

We are so loved by our Maker / He never stops pursuing us.

There's a train leaving your heart tonight.
There's a silence inside your head and you're running from it.
Down the tracks on a midnight line.
There's a red moon in the sky and you're running from it.
But I'm coming for you wherever you go.
Wrestling angels till dawn breaks through
There's a blessing in the wound and you're running from it.
When all your demons are at your door
it's a soldier they're looking for and you're running from it.
But I'm coming for you wherever you go.
Across the sea, the space between everything you think
You know - the things you keep and bury deep underneath
The melting snow - I'll follow.
I'll follow.
Fathers & mothers don't always come through
but I'm never gonna stop following you
Prophets and lovers don't always hold true
but I'm never gonna stop falling for you
So when your wine's all gone and your well runs dry,
Open your hands and look into my eyes; all that you see here,
you'll soon leave behind, so open your hands and look into my eyes