The Boy I Thought I Would Marry: Part 1 of 4

2015-01-30

Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing. I was doing good pretending and I was fairly happy and I could have kept it up for another year I'm sure. But now you're rocked the boat and you're bringing me around for the complete 360. And I all know for sure is I can't, I need out, I need gone.

2015-12-30

I just noticed it's been 11 months since you first messaged me again. I remember clear as day sitting on her bed playing around on our phones when I got a message. You hadn't even crossed my mind as a possibility. We chatted casually for a few hours and then you randomly stopped. Disappeared until the next day. Looking back that seems to have been the theme of this random encounter we carried out for the next 8 months. You disappearing. 

Changes.

I didn't post because I felt that I couldn't if I wasn't walking in the way of the Lord. I am well aware of how lost I've let myself become. But you know what -these are my emotions and my thoughts. This is my blog. There is nothing more real to blog about than what is real. So I will lay it all out and if you feel you can relate or can offer something, great. I'll take it.

So on that note I have decided to unload the short notes I have been writing for the past year and hiding. They are beautiful to me and they are raw. There are many situations that will contribute but there will also be a series focused on one relationship and how it has evolved. I pray that as I finally open these up that I will find peace in the results I have been left with.

This Sweetly Broken Life

All is Well

Today I prayed halfheartedly for peace and that I would remember my training before I handled my first phone call at my new job. I had myself so wound up I felt like I would puke. My partner actually pressed the line in button before I was ready. It was an older man and if I am honest I can't even remember what he was calling about or if I even solved his problem but as I closed the call, asking if there was anything else I could help him with he asked. He asked me what I would say at heaven's gates. Why should I be allowed to enter. I politely told him I appreciated him asking but I wasn't authorized to discuss such things. He responded that he understood so he would just share with me what he would say. He then proceeded to share the gospel with me. My partner who was listening in on the call thought it was weird but I knew as he shared with me how it was God's way of answering me. Reassuring me that he is in control. I know I am exactly where he wants me to be. I am confident that I am in his will. Life is far from easy right now but it is so refreshing to know for once that all is well because I have chosen to follow where God leads.  

I am redeemed

I remember the day I fell in love with God. I danced and sang and cried with joy as my heart swelled greater than I thought possible. I was in love with my Maker. It was a process and it took 6 months being nurtured, discipled, and loved by many amazing people at one of the world's most beautiful university's to get to that point. I had held on to so much hurt and it took His gentle prodding to slowly release my bloody fingers from every last piece and shard of my soul and into his. I physically watched my life as a broken pitcher slowly be put back together with all the holes & cracks becoming beautiful things. Ways for God to seep out into the world through someone who never knew it could really happen. I remember the promises, the hope and the dreams. And I remember slipping once and letting it all fall away. I look inside of me and all I see--all I feel, is blackness. Dark, and empty where that joy use to be. I feel a wall that the little piece of me crying out can't climb over or break through. And I feel the hopeless dread of life's despairs and struggles weighing on my shoulders, tugging at my heart. For me there was never black & white. It was always grey which meant when I fall, I fall hard. But in the midst of it all. I can still hear the words of Clayton King, of Maggie M, of Hannah C. I can remember feeling alive and loved and whole for the first time. I can remember my desires and passions and how God used all that to keep me from letting go for good. I guess it's time to acknowledge that I let go, or I thought I had. I am doubting Thomas believing only what I see, I am Judas betraying with a kiss, I am Israel, turning my back on God only to realize that He is my one freedom. 

I am Israel, I am Israel. And you will bring me back from captivity.