Someone Like You

I had the best Valentine's Day with you. It wasn't even a date. I went to class, came back took a nap, picked up the flowers my mom sent before I spent the rest of the evening curling my hair. I borrowed K's car and picked you up and we went down the hill to Sonic. You got food and I so typically got a hot fudge milkshake. We sat and talked for a couple hours before you had to go back. I had such a good time. I can't even remember now what all we talked about but I know we covered pretty much anything and everything. You opened up and finally told me about you. You cracked my thumbs for me (like only you can) and I remember leaving my hand in yours and looking up at you. I was never physically attracted to you before that moment. But I looked at your lips and thought about kissing them. Months later you admitted to wanting to but thankfully you didn't. It would have ruined it. I know you're not perfect but there was something. You would laugh at how easily distracted I could be, get annoyed at how I could never walk in a straight line, and tell me how cute I was every time my nose would get red in the cold. I was taller than you in heels but it didn't bother me. You could play piano amazingly and I wasn't even jealous (which is huge). I met so many people just by sitting down for supper with you. People gravitated to you. I pushed your buttons and you drove me bonkers with your sometimes over confident attitude. You're there and in love, and I am here and a mom. I'm okay with that and I never thought I would want to be anything more than friends with you but I guess you showed me how it is like to be treated by a truly Godly man and I can't seem to shake that.

I have dated two people. One person was a best friend & a first, the other was a soulmate & a partner. But you were something absolutely and completely different. Thank you for not pursuing me. Thank you for respecting me. Thank you for being my friend.

A definition to remember

Yesterday I visited with L. We were discussing changes and expressing our condolences to things no longer. We were talking about aggression and she said that most often it is rooted in anger. We agreed that it is good to stick up for yourself and to be sure-footed but questioned whether being forceful and over-assertive was really needed to achieve the results desired. It was as we sat, talked and shared about the journey that has brought us each to motherhood that I received a truly genuine and honoring compliment that I want to remember. I had told her that many of my friends at school would turn to me for support; a push to stick up for themselves and not be walked all over. That they would tell me I could always tell it how it was when they needed to hear it. I pondered if it were possible to be aggressive only in certain contexts and L expressed that she believed what it really is, is that I am bold. 

" bold

bōld/
adjective1.
(of a person, action, or idea) showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous.    "

I think that is beautiful. I think that to live a bold life is a fulfilling, honest, genuine, and humble life. I want to strive to always be bold. Not just when it is easy, or natural but when no one is looking; when I'm fighting my demons, when I'd rather do the easy than do the right. 

Unsuspected Benefits of Old Messages

I have no idea what this is from, who wrote it, or where I found it but I do think that it is worth reading. I had sent it to him a few years back and stumbled upon it when looking through old messages. It's funny how you find things you think other people could benefit from and upon reflection it is actually what you need to be hearing yourself:

Don’t draw back because you feel like you can’t do it.You want to know how to pick up where you left off? Just get real with Him, and do it. Don’t run away in that self pity mode that reeks of that all-too-familiar “but it’s been so long and I just don’t know how to get back where I was, so I’m just gonna coast in my distance from Him because I can’t do this anyway”, attitude. What kind of fruit is that producing in your life? Shame…and running from God. AKA: A pretty good sign this is not an attitude or heart posture coming from the Holy Spirit. AKA: LIES.
God changes your heart as you put yourself before His face. You are changed as you pursue relationship & get to know the person of Christ. Not as you strive and stress and try to get righteous & perfect before you come to Him. Practical: Talk to Him. Talk to Him as you read about Him. Use your imagination as you pray. Seek the Holy Spirit inside you, don’t strive to like “get into that place”, or “worship enough to get His approval”. You've got it. You've got Him.
Here’s the deal: God loves you and accepts you because of the blood of Jesus. He enjoys you. He delights in His creation. He actually longs to set you free from whatever funk you've wallowed into or ended up in. If you have all kinds of messed up sin in your life, fess up, repent (get God’s perspective on it, and choose to walk in that & agree with that), and realize you are already accepted. You are already the beloved. Any true change that will come in your heart will come out of encounter with Him & His great love for you as you yield areas of your life within His grace as he highlights them.
He made this thing people friendly. It isn't impossible. Don’t compare yourself to other people. Focus on your relationship with the Ancient of Days, Father God, who loves you, made you for Himself, loves you infinitely. Connect with the love affair, and your sin issues will work out and your fears will be destroyed by His love.
He knows you can’t do it. He sees all of your heart & isn't shocked by it. He’s like “Come to me, come close, I will help you, I will fix you. Seek me with your whole heart.” This isn't a “see who can get the most brownie points with God” popularity contest. He isn't shallow. He wants intimate relationship.
Beloved, embark on the greatest love affair you will ever encounter. Just do it. Risk it all. He’s worth it.

1.12.9.5.

It’s an interesting concept. To love someone and to dislike them all at once. It seems like it contradicts itself or is unhealthy but is it really? There have been so many times in my life that I have disliked a parent or a sibling yet I maintained my love for them. So why is it so foreign and wrong to dislike someone who isn't family but love them all the same? 

I will always love you. It’s written in my heart. I don’t let go. I cannot. 

Your name is still the answer to my bank security question. 

As much as I disagree with you on many regards, and as much as I believe that it is best our toxic relationship has come to a close, I love you. Some things will never change. 

I hope one day you’ll realize that I never thought I was better, never didn't care or dislike the other important people in your life. I simply could not maintain the cycle we were in. 

Having a young child does that you know. You lose the energy to keep up old charades, playing games. 

That doesn't mean that for one second I wasn't ever angry or that I didn't think of explaining and refuting every point you brought up. How many times did I consider driving to your house and confronting you and not leaving until we fixed things. I have done it before but it came time to let go. 

So yes, I dislike you. But this doesn't mean I don’t love you all the same. 

You

I want something so beautiful. More beautiful than I could ever create. Because that’s how you created me. I am made in your image and your image is so beautiful. More beautiful than I could ever create or imagine. I long for it. For you. Because when all is right that is what I am and even though right now I am not, you still see me that way. So all in all I have something so beautiful.

cli·ché: klēˈSHā kli-,kli-,ˈklēˌSHā/ noun 1. a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.

You hear so many as you grow up and go through school. I can't even remember half of the ones I have heard but there are two that stand out to me tonight as I am in the thick the situation I call my life. 

"There is a thin line between love and hate" I could list the things that were done that hurt and angered me. It would be a very long list. Thinking about a lot of them would still trigger emotion; mainly anger. All the same it would be too easy to forget this huge list and return back to where I was before. Who I was with before. I don't really know how I feel about you anymore. I do know that the emotions I have felt for you are the closest to hate I have ever felt for someone but here I am loving you all over. Whatever this is I would like it to stop because it does not resolve. 

 "If you never let go of your past, you'll never see your future" When will I listen. When will I let go. I hold onto everything. I'm pretty sure that I still have my baby teeth saved somewhere. I check up on so many people who I don't maintain contact with because I want to know how their lives are going. I take my caring to the next level and can't let go of people who are not in my life for very good reasons. I check and recheck. I ask and look and even though I can pretend that it does no harm, I know it does not benefit either. Deep down I long for what He could offer and has planned but if I never let go I'll never see it. I'll never know what God has in store because I'm too busy in my own head thinking about things long gone.

I'm ready to learn new things. I'm ready to forget that these cliches are actually genuine because they are no longer relevant to me. How do I get there from here?

6/07/14

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for those who were in the lockdown zone to try to return to their normal lives today. Walking Alexander Wednesday evening and having a stranger run out of their house to tell you to get inside because a shooter is on the loose and spending the rest of the evening and next day hanging out inside cautious but not in danger is freaky enough, I can’t imagine being right in the middle of it. Even more, nothing I will ever deal with in regards to Alexander’s father will ever be as hard as losing your child’s father all together. My heart aches for them in a way I never knew before Alexander.

I shouldn’t have had to feel compelled to report a page for J Bourque on fb because people don’t have the discretion to understand how distasteful it is and how it plays right into what he was trying to achieve. And in regards to the “raw footage”..even though that video does not show the police officer being shot and has been shared by the media does not make it okay to share…that is someones loved on. Can you imagine seeing that and knowing that on the other side of that window those shots are killing your husband/brother/son/friend?

Stop sensationalizing this situation and in doing so, giving glory to the killer and start respecting and supporting those whose lives will forever be changed by the the loss of their loved ones.

This is my Resurrection Song, This is my Hallelujah Come