1.12.9.5.

It’s an interesting concept. To love someone and to dislike them all at once. It seems like it contradicts itself or is unhealthy but is it really? There have been so many times in my life that I have disliked a parent or a sibling yet I maintained my love for them. So why is it so foreign and wrong to dislike someone who isn't family but love them all the same? 

I will always love you. It’s written in my heart. I don’t let go. I cannot. 

Your name is still the answer to my bank security question. 

As much as I disagree with you on many regards, and as much as I believe that it is best our toxic relationship has come to a close, I love you. Some things will never change. 

I hope one day you’ll realize that I never thought I was better, never didn't care or dislike the other important people in your life. I simply could not maintain the cycle we were in. 

Having a young child does that you know. You lose the energy to keep up old charades, playing games. 

That doesn't mean that for one second I wasn't ever angry or that I didn't think of explaining and refuting every point you brought up. How many times did I consider driving to your house and confronting you and not leaving until we fixed things. I have done it before but it came time to let go. 

So yes, I dislike you. But this doesn't mean I don’t love you all the same. 

You

I want something so beautiful. More beautiful than I could ever create. Because that’s how you created me. I am made in your image and your image is so beautiful. More beautiful than I could ever create or imagine. I long for it. For you. Because when all is right that is what I am and even though right now I am not, you still see me that way. So all in all I have something so beautiful.

cli·ché: klēˈSHā kli-,kli-,ˈklēˌSHā/ noun 1. a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.

You hear so many as you grow up and go through school. I can't even remember half of the ones I have heard but there are two that stand out to me tonight as I am in the thick the situation I call my life. 

"There is a thin line between love and hate" I could list the things that were done that hurt and angered me. It would be a very long list. Thinking about a lot of them would still trigger emotion; mainly anger. All the same it would be too easy to forget this huge list and return back to where I was before. Who I was with before. I don't really know how I feel about you anymore. I do know that the emotions I have felt for you are the closest to hate I have ever felt for someone but here I am loving you all over. Whatever this is I would like it to stop because it does not resolve. 

 "If you never let go of your past, you'll never see your future" When will I listen. When will I let go. I hold onto everything. I'm pretty sure that I still have my baby teeth saved somewhere. I check up on so many people who I don't maintain contact with because I want to know how their lives are going. I take my caring to the next level and can't let go of people who are not in my life for very good reasons. I check and recheck. I ask and look and even though I can pretend that it does no harm, I know it does not benefit either. Deep down I long for what He could offer and has planned but if I never let go I'll never see it. I'll never know what God has in store because I'm too busy in my own head thinking about things long gone.

I'm ready to learn new things. I'm ready to forget that these cliches are actually genuine because they are no longer relevant to me. How do I get there from here?